one of those nights...

okay so i'm having one of those nights. you know, the kind of night where the entire week catches up to you and all you can do is sit and cry. well my emotions haven't just been building for a week...they've been building since november 30th. jesse mobilized that weekend and is in new jersey. i get him home for christmas but when i say goodbye to him again on january second there is a very good chance i won't see him again for a year. no i'm not exaggerating...literally a year. i'm not ready. i don't know how to get ready. he's never deployed before. neither one of us has any idea what it will be like. i'm just so afraid, which isn't unusual for me but this is different. i made him the promise that i would wait over two years ago and i have never doubted my ability to follow through with that promise. i have to wait, i have no choice. but he won't come back the same. he will change, its inevitible and that is what scares me. will i love the man who comes home? will he love me? i won't be the same either but i don't think i'll change as much as he will. its just scary.

The song i'm listening to right now (lovely computer timing):
I tried to paint you a pictureBlack and white didn't fit you
And all along
You were shaded with patience
You're strokes of everything
That I need just to make it
And I could see that
Lord knows I have failed you
Time and again
But you and me are alright

We won't say our goodbyes
You know it's better that way
We won't break
We won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are
All we are is everything that's right
All we need
All we need
A lover's alibi

I walked a minute in your shoes
They never would've fit
I figured there's nothing to lose
I need to get
Some perspective on these words before I write them down
You're an island and my ship has run aground

Lord knows I have failed you
Time and again
But you and me, we're alright

We won't say our goodbyes
You know it's better that way
We won't break
We won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are
All we are is everything that's right
All we need
All we need
A lover's alibi

Every single day that I can breathe
You change my philosophy
I'm never gonna let you pass me by

So don't say your goodbyes
You know its better that way
We won't break,
We won't die
It's just a moment of change

So don't say your goodbyes
You know its better that way
We won't break
We won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are
All we are is everything that's right
All we need
All we need
A lover's alibi

So don't say our goodbyes
I know it's better
We won't break,
We won't die

sorry for the side track, back to the post. but the song makes a good point. we hope he won't die. we hope we don't break. but what about not saying goodbye? it is after all just a moment of change, a moment that lasts a year anyway. i don't like goodbyes. jesse and i say "bye for now" or "night for now" when we end a phone conversation. i hold on to the "for now" part with my everything. it is my hope until we talk again. i need that hope. i just don't know what i'm going to do without him.

Another side track...The daily bible verse on my sidebar:
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:3-5

now i know the bible is right. we should rejoice in our stuggles. life gives us mountains and valleys for a reason. all help us shape and mold our lives. they give us a choice...our way or God's way. i pray that i always choose God's way. i can't afford not to...

okay so tonights post took a couple of twists and turns. sometimes my brain just does that. thank you to all who read it for caring enough to keep up.