OUT OF TIME

The since of my life ending has come to a crashing hit on me. It is the day, out of time, end of the line. in a few hours I walk to the death chamber. These are all metaphores. My meaning is that I know this is the end of this life, the life of inocence and the last drigs of childhood. Even as a college student I was still in enough of my old enviorment to not feel major changes. Not even in basic training did I truely have to worry. There were changes then as there will be now. But changes on this will be a lot more drastic. I mean someone doesnt just disappear for a year+ out of their world and come back the same person. Even in that world they change its just at the same rate as everyone else so it's almost unnoticed.

My fears are rushing forth now. My major ones that I put into God's hands remain at the edge of the fence, out of my control so out of my main thoughts. It's the new fears or normal fears that come with leaving for such a long time. "What will happen to this world while I'm gone. What will happen to the people in it. What events in their lives am I missing. What if something happens and I can't be their. What if I come back and no longer feel like I belong." All these evil fears have played with my head for a little while but always just faint thoughts. Now on the day that I leave, not just physically but also out of relyable communication I am flooded by them all at once.

I don't have fears for my life, God has control on that and I understand that time will come on his clock. I worry about not being there for Danielle, or if something were to happen what it would do to her. That should my card be pulled, the effects on her. What her life will become and how I feel about things. You hear questions like "If you should die, should I remarry/move on?" and those questions have never left me with a good answer. Also as of right now I have no children and know that more then anything Danielle wishes to be the mother of many children(mine) but what if I'm gone.

Perhaps thats enough rambaling. I have enough to worry about and will worry about as the days go on, I only hope this time passes quickly and your prayers continue. May the Lord bless my life and our life together. Good bye for now everybody and keep a lookout for information on me via here or most likely Danielle.